ravkanwitch | [open post: Kei ryezich Ravkayash?]

[open post: Kei ryezich Ravkayash?]

Nina makes friends very easily. This is a known fact. Despite what's going on internally, she's friendly, exuberant, and silly when she's around others. When she moved to the Little Palace from the orphanage, she immediately made a few fast friends with other Grisha who were around the same age. One was a young girl from Fjerda -- rescued from the Drüskelle, who would rather burn their own at stake than admit that Grisha were human -- and they were best friends. Her friend didn't know the Ravkan language that well, so Nina began learning Fjerdan to bridge the gap. Her instructors immediately saw promise and placed her in multiple language courses where she thrived. Fjerdan (the language of the enemy) ironically became what she excelled in, to native fluency. Her Kerch (the language of commerce) is near perfect. Shu and Zemeni were next, potential rivals or partners of Ravka. Kaelish because it was fun. Suli was the most difficult to grasp, a dialect of Ravkan but also entirely different. In any case, she didn't see it as work, she saw it as a way to connect more deeply with others.

Since arriving, Nina has noticed that everyone at the mansion has a different accent, if you can call it that. It's clear that none of them share the same language, but she processes everyone's language the same, somehow. She started experimenting, speaking Fjerdan with Laertes, Shu with Binghe and Lan Wangji, Kerch with some of the other residents like Nightingale and Janet. It's possible it changes her accent to something closer to theirs -- she thinks it does -- but it doesn't seem to change what she's saying. At least it's a way to maintain fluency, just in case...

She has also noticed that there are some areas of the grounds, some little pockets, that don't seem to translate what she's reading or saying as clearly. She first noticed this when she wandered a little too far into the woods and pulled out a book to read in an attempt to be more cultured (before she became swarmed with bugs and had to give up) -- but there was a moment where the language in the book seemed to be entirely different. It's been happening more frequently lately.

In the wake of a successful (?) talent show, Nina has found one of those pockets. She is sitting at a desk strewn with books about languages, deep into studying English, French, and Chinese simultaneously. She would absolutely welcome company, whether to discuss the talent show, languages, or anything else.

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Luo Binghe sighs. "I admire you greatly, you know. The counsel that you gave me on the matter with Claudius has proved invaluable. You were right in saying that, when we are all trapped here together, it is wise to make peace. I told you that... it was difficult for me, that I have little practice showing mercy." And Nina promised to help, but it would be too needy and petulant to remind her of that directly.

Nina nods. She hasn't forgotten those words and she's been telling them to herself as well. Make peace. Don't make a stir about Aleksander otherwise you'll be a hypocrite, Zenik. "I remember that conversation clearly," she says. It was a difficult one but every one since then has been easier. "Did... something happen?"

Luo Binghe does not particularly want to rehash the whole conflict. For one thing, he doesn't want Nina to tell him he should have just apologized, when what's troubling him now is how impossible it feels to do so.

"Galahad confronted me about Claudius. He's a close friend of Shen Yuan's, so I didn't want to fight with him, but he tried his best to provoke me. Eventually, Shen Yuan broke it up." He chews on the inside of his lip. "I didn't fight him, I didn't hurt him at all, but I also... I don't like to grovel for someone's approval, and I won't do it. We cannot reconcile. And... I believe Shen Yuan loves me, but his heart is so kind and good. He loves many people, and most of them... are much easier to love than I am. I'm afraid I won't be able to change enough, or fast enough, and he'll realize it's not worth it. And I'm worried that if his friends hate me so much, they'll help him realize it."

It is a little difficult for Nina to imagine Galahad provoking anyone, but she does recognize something similar in their personalities. Hidden depths. She would also go to any lengths for her friends and loved ones. She frowns slightly. "Did Shen Yuan seem upset with you after everything happened?" That's her first question. From what Binghe is saying, though, it seems as though he's mostly worried about the future of the relationship.

Luo Binghe shakes his head. "He embraced me and made sure I was alright, and then went to speak to his friend." It makes his throat tighten to say it; Shen Yuan is unbearably good to him.

"It seems like that's an appropriate reaction and he's not too upset at you... Are you worried about what he might think in the future? What Galahad might do?" She tilts her head a little. She's trying hard not to offer too much feedback or opinion on what he should do. This is definitely something that Binghe needs to sort through himself, but she's definitely there to be a sounding board.

"No, he's not upset, but—I am. It—" Luo Binghe struggles to organize his thoughts, but when he thinks about being trapped there, not knowing what Galahad might do but knowing he couldn't do anything in return, it only makes him agitated again. "It was—very difficult not to fight back. It made me feel like, because of Shen Yuan—because I love him—I couldn't defend myself. Even though—"

He shakes his head. He's confusing himself, and it must be incoherent to Nina. But if he can't explain his feelings well, he at least knows the source of them. "Have I told you much about Shen Qingqiu?"

She shakes her head. "I've spoken with him a couple times but never too much about his past... and I've only really heard about the present situation from you, not the past. I'd love to hear more." She doesn't mention that she can technically read his thoughts because that's their secret and besides, she hasn't gotten too much concrete out of it ever since she's been trying to preserve his privacy.

"I was unclear. The—the man we both know here is not Shen Qingqiu, he is a different person entirely. It's only by happenstance that he came to share a face and an identity with the Shen Qingqiu I've known since childhood." Luo Binghe is anxious, even though this is an old story. Perhaps because he's been thinking about Shen Qingqiu all morning. He remembers deciding to tell Magnus about his mother, confident that after all this time, he could speak of her death calmly. He is not at all sure that he can speak of this calmly. He wills his voice not to shake.

"He was my cultivation master. He hated me—I still couldn't say why. But it was me he hated. He could be strict with the other students—unreasonably demanding—but with me..." He bites the inside of his lip hard enough to leave a sore, trying to think how to describe it. He's afraid he won't be able to, and it will come across like he was an entitled child who objected to standard discipline. No doubt those who hate him now would have no trouble believing that.

"He looked for excuses to hurt me. He used to have me tied up and whipped—I think starting when I was eleven or twelve? And he would frame it as—if my cultivation had been good enough, it shouldn't have hurt, or I should have been able to heal more quickly. Except he was sabotaging my cultivation. He gave me a false instructional manual meant to induce qi deviation—that is, to kill me. So the more I practiced—which I did feverishly, trying to please him—the worse shape I was in, and the more frequently I was punished. I wasn't even allowed to stay in the disciple dorms—I had to sleep in the woodshed, out in the cold."

Nina listens intently. This is deeper than anything Luo Binghe has told her and it is very surprising for her to learn; she hadn't known him when he first met Shen Qingqiu, only when they had already met and were trying to navigate their relationship with each other. "I'm very sorry that happened to you," she says quietly. "It must have been a shock to see his face again."

"It was, but—it was clear to me very quickly that it was a different person. Shen Yuan acts nothing like him, even when he's trying. But that's not my point."

Everyone in Luo Binghe's world knows this backstory, but they also know what Luo Binghe did to Shen Qingqiu in return—well, some of it—so no one ever bothers to express sympathy for him over it. It's nice to hear, even though it wasn't the reason he brought this up.

"My mother taught me to be courteous and respectful. She advised me that those qualities, over time, would win out against petty cruelty. I knew Shen Qingqiu hated me, but I believed that if I worked hard and never complained, he would see in time that I was—if not talented—at least industrious and diligent. I was so stupid," he says viciously. It's hard not to be disgusted with his younger self, especially after a few months ago when everyone saw him like that.

"It took until I was fifteen to understand that he didn't care what I did—he just wanted me dead. He was no wise master attempting to teach me a difficult but worthwhile lesson. He was a petty, sadistic bully. And I couldn't do anything about it, because his power over me—over Qing Jing Peak—was absolute. It didn't matter if I trained hard or followed all the rules—all that mattered was that he had the authority, and he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to me. So I stopped trying to please him, and I started trying to gain as much power as possible—so much that no one could do that to me ever again. And I succeeded." He exhales a shaky breath, his mind swimming. It's hard not to remember what he said to Claudius—all the good in me was beaten out by Shen Qingqiu or burnt in the fires of the Abyss. Somehow, speaking with Claudius under a truth spell revealed things to Luo Binghe that still vex and consume him.

"But with Galahad—I mean, he wasn't much of a threat. But he was trying. He wanted to hurt me, and—I couldn't touch him, because Shen Yuan cares about him. There was no amount of power that would let me defend myself, because I couldn't. Even though I was stronger—it was like being a pathetic, powerless child. Nina, truly, I hated it."

"The most frustrating feeling in the world is knowing that whatever you say or do, it won't matter. It'll be construed as incorrect... the feeling that you can't do anything right." Nina gives him a kind look. "It sounds like a difficult situation. Hopefully it won't go any further than that."

"I hope so too," Luo Binghe says. He drums his fingers on his knees anxiously. He hates thinking about Shen Qingqiu, but sometimes it feels like it's worse not to acknowledge the part of him that is still always preoccupied with Shen Qingqiu, even now. Just like there is a part of him that still thinks he is stuck in the Abyss.

There's something else that's been on his mind too, also from the day of the truth spell. When Sagramore said Luo Binghe didn't seem like the kind of person who'd like to be touched, and Luo Binghe admitted he rarely was by anyone he wasn't sleeping with. And Sagramore called it sad. No one in Luo Binghe's world would think him starved for affection or touch. He never thought that he was—but it weighs on him.

He might as well say it. "Would you give me a hug again?"

"Yes!" Nina says and throws her arms around him. "Or you could just hug me whenever the mood strikes you, you know."

Luo Binghe holds on for longer than he feels like he should, but she did say it was alright. He's not typically shy with touch; it's just so hard to believe that it will be welcome without romantic or sexual intent. Without that promise of what he can offer—his body, his wealth, his protection—then what could anyone possibly get from holding him? But it's so good to be in Nina's arms, feeling that she cares for him on an instinctive, animal level. He has missed this, he realizes, about sex—not the sex itself, but being held so much more than he is here.

Eventually, though, he pulls back. "Thank you."

It makes Nina happier than she would have thought to have multiple friends here that she can hug, throw an arm around, nudge, or press a hand on their arm without thinking; small moments of touch where it just feels natural. Loving but not sexual. Growing up without a family, her friends have always been her family -- and hugging Luo Binghe feels like hugging family.

"Anytime," She responds. Then her face brightens. "We definitely made quite a pair on that stage, didn't we?"

Luo Binghe smiles weakly. He hasn't fully shaken off his dark mood, but he recognizes that she is trying to pull him out of it, and he won't resist. "We did. Shen Yuan's reaction to the clothes Janet picked out was worth every minute of rehearsal."

"I bet it was," Nina laughs. "You know," she continues thoughtfully, searching for another light subject, "it was actually Aziraphale who inspired the entire talent show. Have you met him? He performed first under the stage name Mr. Fell."

"That was Aziraphale?" Luo Binghe has been keeping an eye out for Crowley's friend from the heavens. He never would have guessed that the... less than confident performance that kicked off the talent show came from a heavenly being. True, Luo Binghe has never met one before, but... If that's the extent of his powers, then Luo Binghe can understand why Crowley was worried for his safety. His heart goes out to him. It must be hard to love someone so defenseless.

"I haven't met him, but Crowley has spoken of him. What did you think of the other acts? We were clearly the best—although of course Shen Yuan's paintings were exceptional."

"He's incredibly talented," Nina agrees. Her brows furrow for a split second thinking about the portrait of Aleksander and the conversation about it, but she had promised Shen Yuan that she wouldn't say anything about it. "I think everyone did great," she adds diplomatically. "Sagramore's poetry was a nice surprise, though. I had to encourage him to sign up but I'm glad he did."

Luo Binghe nods in approval. "I like Sagramore. He is a good friend to Shen Yuan and I both." Likely the only one of Shen Yuan's friends who also likes Luo Binghe. He sighs—he does not intend to go back down the dark path of his troubles, but he would still like his closest friend's advice. "What will I do, if the rift between Galahad and me is irreconcilable? I worry Shen Yuan will feel obligated to choose between us."

Nina pauses for a moment to consider the question. She's not sure if she's ever been in a similar situation; Kaz is an asshole and she hates him sometimes, but it's not like Matthias and Kaz got along at all. It's not like anyone really got along with Kaz.

"I'm not sure," she says, quite honestly. "I think you'll need to sit down with Shen Yuan and talk about this... but if I know him at all, and it's probably part of the reason why you love him so much... I don't think he would ever abandon either of you."

Luo Binghe nods. There's a petty part of him that wants Shen Yuan to choose him—to stand up and say anyone who doesn't like Luo Binghe should get out of his sight. But Nina's right that if he did that, he would not be the same Shen Yuan. He's compassionate, and forgiving of all manner of faults. If it were otherwise, there's no chance he would love Luo Binghe.

"I appreciate your counsel. I wish I had more sweets to give you," he says with a little smile. "I've been too busy with matters of the heart, and I've been delinquent in my duties."

“You’ll just owe me twice as many sweets the next time you see me,” Nina says, firmly. She’s joking - but she also wouldn’t mind. “I just… I hope I helped. Even by listening. It upsets me to see you upset.”

"Hearing you say that helps," Luo Binghe says sincerely. "Nina... I really think you are the best friend I've ever had." Ning Yingying cares about him, but turns a willfully blind eye to his darker side. Liu Mingyan is a safe harbor for his secrets, but he would not go to her when he feels like this, uselessly upset.

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ravkanwitch - 2023-12-20 20:44 (UTC) - Expand

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protagonisthalo - 2023-12-21 00:05 (UTC) - Expand

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