Nina Zenik (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ravkanwitch) wrote2023-10-05 12:46 pm
ravkanwitch) wrote2023-10-05 12:46 pm
[open post!]
Nina misses Ketterdam.
Make no mistake, she is Ravkan through and through; her pride for her country is one of her largest defining features (and she has many delightful defining features). But when she allows herself a moment to think, it is the hustle and bustle of Ketterdam that she misses. The ships in the harbor, the vendors hawking in the Barrel, the shops, the friends, the noise, the friends--
There’s always a weariness to the initial dance of friendship. Of her new acquaintances, only two are aware of her abilities and only one of them - Shen Qingqiu - even has an inkling of their full extent. Fortunately, that also means there’s room to grow…
She’s found hot chocolate and now she’s seated somewhere, sipping at it and reminiscing about Ketterdam, wondering what Inej and Jesper and Kaz and everyone must be doing right now.
Make no mistake, she is Ravkan through and through; her pride for her country is one of her largest defining features (and she has many delightful defining features). But when she allows herself a moment to think, it is the hustle and bustle of Ketterdam that she misses. The ships in the harbor, the vendors hawking in the Barrel, the shops, the friends, the noise, the friends--
There’s always a weariness to the initial dance of friendship. Of her new acquaintances, only two are aware of her abilities and only one of them - Shen Qingqiu - even has an inkling of their full extent. Fortunately, that also means there’s room to grow…
She’s found hot chocolate and now she’s seated somewhere, sipping at it and reminiscing about Ketterdam, wondering what Inej and Jesper and Kaz and everyone must be doing right now.
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“I used to have these abilities… and they made me feel alive. Powerful. In control. I could stop a man’s heart with the clench of a fist. I could change his emotions with the crook of a finger, turn calm into a panic and back again.” Her fingers twitch, remembering how she could feel the flow of blood, the beating of a heart. She also remembers Inej’s face on the ship. Pale but smiling. “It was also… helpful. Useful. I saved my best friend’s life with it, I healed her.”
“But… a while back, it became… twisted — and — and it was completely my decision,” it comes out in a rush. She did it. She took the jurda parem. Nobody else made the choice for her. “I made the choice. I had to do it, to save my friends’ lives. But I- I also made the choice to spare the life of my enemy. To nearly kill myself. To alter my abilities into something twisted, something unnatural. Some days, it’s okay. It’s bearable. Other days, I wonder if I made the right decision, if I’ve chosen the correct path…”
The only part she can’t speak of is what happened to Matthias. Not yet. She can’t bear to wonder if there’s any path that could have saved him.
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It's striking that they are from different worlds, and yet her powers sound so similar to his. Luo Binghe can't touch anyone's emotions, but he can control their bodies, for good or for ill. Many of his wives have been saved from fatal injury by a quick swallow of his blood, and many more of his enemies have died in agony from it.
"We do what we must to survive," he says, thinking of the Abyss, and the toll that Xin Mo exacts on him. But unlike Nina, he has long ago given up on considering himself a good person. "But you must harden your heart to regret. If I hadn't made the choices I did, I would not be alive. Those choices have had consequences. But if I didn't protect myself, no one else would. The cruelty of others is infinite; you must fight for yourself and those you wish to save above all else." No matter if it leaves you a twisted, vicious version of yourself, with no way back. He's known as much since he was fifteen, but never had cause to speak about it before.
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"We do what we must," she agrees, "but only until... we start to reflect the cruelty of others back onto them. Until it becomes an endless hall of mirrors."
She thinks of Kaz, his dark past and his fury against Pekka Rollins. His twisted warpath that almost - almost cost him everything. "I'm sorry that we've both had to walk a difficult path," she says, softer.
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Or perhaps not. She has already been so generous and accommodating to some of the worst parts of him. He wants so badly to believe that there is someone here who will not turn from him. He would risk earning her revulsion over deceiving her about his nature.
He thinks of his most recent petty cruelty. Some might call it an overreaction. If it were only Claudius scheming against him, he could dismiss it. But he can never forgive how Claudius belittled and mocked him, especially after the man plyed him with insincere flattery, tricking him into revealing a vulnerability. Anger overtakes him again, remembering it.
"I wish I could see it as you do. I fear that if I don't bite back with twice the force that bites me, I'll be chewed away to nothing. Even here, I cannot resist showing my displeasure harshly when slighted."
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"I should like to hear more about these powers of yours sometime—we may have more in common than I thought. Due to my lineage, my blood has strange properties. I can control it outside my body, even the smallest particle. If someone else ingests it, I have some control over the workings of their body." A pause. "And now, let me tell you of Claudius. When we met, he flattered and praised me. I thought him charming. We shared a flirtation—nearly a tryst. Then I learned that he sought to gain power over the others in this mansion, and his attentions toward me were manipulation towards that purpose. When I confronted him, he mocked me, calling me a tyrant. But he had previously ingested my blood, and he did not know it gave me the power to hurt him. In my anger and frustration, I demonstrated that power, and he only insulted me further, saying that—" It is hard to repeat. "That no one could care for me, that any alliances I make here are doomed to ruin. That the residents here would delight in my failure. Nina, I still cannot control my rage when I think of it. Perhaps it's petty, to use my powers thus—but when I recall his words, I want him to suffer."
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She’s also certain Luo Binghe wouldn’t react well to unsolicited advice (she wouldn’t) but in a house of so few people, this conflict shouldn’t be hanging over everyone’s heads.
“Those are difficult words to hear,” Nina agrees. “We’re all trying to find our place here, figuring out… where our alliances lie, where our friendships are. We might be here for the foreseeable future, after all.”
She changes the subject, tone curious now. “Your blood magic is different from - from what mine was. Is this blood control permanent?”
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Luo Binghe does not make decisions based on what is popular. Back in his palace, if someone spoke to him as Claudius did they would be fortunate to keep their head. He is the most deserving of status, and it's only right that he take it, and suppress anyone who disapproves by force.
But... This is not his world, and he has already determined that his usual comportment may not serve his interests here. The women he's spoken to don't react as they should to his beauty, while the men flatter and tease him like women. He spoke to Clarissant and Nina without intent to bed them, and both seemed more amenable to him than the beautiful warrior with enchanting ice magic. He forgave Crowley for an insult, and the man finally acknowledged him as the scion of his line. Perhaps it is in his best interests to open his mind to new ways of attaining his goals.
And the insular nature of this mansion, the enmity directed at him, the whispered plots against him in the dark, the presence of Shen Qingqiu... It all calls to mind Qing Jing Peak. Despite how far he's come, the thought of being back there—an isolated community, united against Luo Binghe—makes his blood run cold. And what could he do to change it? He cannot kill everyone here and rule a bloody wasteland.
As to her question—
"I've never thought to release it," he admits. Even if he doesn't plan to use his blood parasites, he always likes to have the insurance when he can. "It should be trivial, though—I can control every particle of my blood within him. It would only be a matter of moving it outside his body. You suggest that it is disadvantageous to remain in conflict with him. I concede the point. But—if I release him, what's to stop anyone else from moving against me?" He clenches a hand into a fist at his side. "I'm so tired of it—the paranoia and caution. It's exhausting to guard myself against treachery, but in my world, I cannot stop without risking being deposed or killed. I have made enemies of too many people, and I have little practice making peace."
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“I’ll help you,” is all she says, placing a gentle hand on Luo Binghe’s arm. “Peace is… a difficult success. But I’m sure we can find it.”
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He promised Claudius would never live another day at peace, and he has never once let someone go who wronged him. Not once. But whether this world is a dream or a puzzle or its own realm, its possibilities are different. "Thank you." His voice comes out strained, his throat tight. "Your counsel is wise beyond measure. If you think I should release him from my influence... I will do it. Tell me what you think is right."
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"It's done," he tells Nina. He clasps her hand with both of his. "You are—a true friend, and I have had precious few. If you wish it, I'll cook for you every day." It's something he only ever does for his wives, or for women he's trying to court. Habit urges him to seal his possession of her, to bind her to him with vows and sexual pleasure, but he ignores it. He has no wives here and he is not the emperor. Who knows how long they might stay in this land, but while they do, he wants to offer her his assistance as guilelessly as she offered hers.
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The second statement is spoken gently, jokingly to lighten the intense mood as much as she can. "I did speak with Shen Qingqiu, by the way," she says, offhandedly.
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It's a name Luo Binghe hasn't heard before. He longs to know everything about Nina, but what she's told him already seemed difficult for her to speak of. If she wants to say more, he's sure she will. It's not like she could possibly have built a deeper bond of friendship with Shen Qingqiu than with him.
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"There's an aspect of our history that not even he knows. This is not the first time I've found myself in a world other than my own. About half a year ago, I inadvertently swapped places with a version of myself from another world, one who had had different experiences. Just as the Shen Qingqiu I knew had a different life from the one who resides in this manor now. In that place..." He flushes warm, remembering it. The way Shen Qingqiu curled up by him and slept through the night in his arms. Shen Qingqiu combing through his hair, his quick fingers adding a little braid while Luo Binghe sat disbelieving. The way Shen Qingqiu melted under his attentions, before somehow realizing the mistake. "There was a Shen Qingqiu, and a Luo Binghe. And they were—intimate. I could hardly believe it... But it was impossible to deny the affection they shared. Seeing it, I felt..." Like for the first time in years, there was something he simply couldn't have. "I couldn't believe it could really make the other version of me happy. But I could see that it did. I haven't stopped thinking about it. And now, here I am trapped with a third Shen Qingqiu, wondering which paths are open between us." He stops, suddenly afraid just having spoken the words, as if acknowledging the possibility might tempt fate to take it from him.
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