[closed post: a task]

[ravkanwitch]

Nina has been feeling more like herself recently. It's taken a few weeks of self care, a failed waffle experiment, many naps with Khitka, a history lesson from Kade, quality time with friends, and a few mildly distressing conversations with alternate versions of people that she knows – but she's okay. She'll be much better once Shen Yuan is back of course, but for now, she'll do what she does best and weather the storm.

There are few things she's considering in her mind but right now, she's flipping through some language books with Khitka curled around the back of her neck, dozing.

Comments

[lightbearinglord]

Some of what she said stings, still, but Lan Wangji won't contest her right to have said it or to believe in it. He grips his own hands more tightly and controls his expression. "I did not intend to disappoint you," he says slowly, after a silence that feels tentative and uncomfortable even to a man who is accustomed to long silences. "I wanted you to be safe. It was a difficult day."

[ravkanwitch]

Nina isn't sure if the intensity of the conversation had overwhelmed him to the point of not conveying his thoughts at all -- or it was also possible that she had been so laser-focused that she didn't process them. Perhaps both. Her expression softens slightly at I did not intend to disappoint you. "It felt like you weren't even listening to me," she says, quietly.

[lightbearinglord]

His gaze drops. Not with shame, exactly, but with weary familiarity. He has changed and grown since he was eighteen years old and desperate, begging Wei Ying to consider his own safety and watching him turn defensive and flippant -- but perhaps he has neither changed nor grown enough. He may never. He suspects he will always find himself frozen and silent, still and stubborn in a way that looks like unkind indifference to an onlooker, at the times when that coldness is most likely to reinforce every wall around him.

"I was listening." He always listens.

[ravkanwitch]

"I know that now," Nina says, gently. "Sagramore told me the same thing, that I shouldn't put myself at risk, even if it meant bringing Shen Yuan back. But… it's what I know." The bait. The distraction. The advance guard. The spy. It's not Kaz's fault, not King Nikolai's either. It's just where her skills happen to lie.

[lightbearinglord]

"I understand," Lan Wangji says. He does understand. He should have been executed for the way he defended Wei Ying in Yiling, and that amounted to nothing at all. Wei Ying died; none of his actions meant anything. He would do it again. He's quiet again, drawing a slow breath and gathering himself at once. "I would rather you resent me, but remain alive and well, than continue to respect me, but dead or irreparably harmed."

[ravkanwitch]

She nods, firmly; she's moved by his words and how he cares for her but she's also biting back the beginning of an argument. She's not going to get into it again. If they hadn't discovered this alternative way of bringing Shen Yuan back (and one that possibly benefits him, not being in the body of Shen Qingqiu), then maybe they would be having a very different discussion -- but Nina is willing to move on.

"I know," is all she says. "I'm just sorry I was so upset."

[lightbearinglord]

"There is no need to be sorry." His gaze is intent on her face. He nearly hesitates, but he has told Nina enough already. "I know what grief can do."

[ravkanwitch]

"Yes," she says, thinking back to what she said or thought or -- she isn't even sure anymore if she even spoke it out loud. "I know you and Shen Yuan weren't close, but thank you for everything you've been doing. To try and... communicate with him and get vengeance."

[lightbearinglord]

It's because it's Shen Yuan, isn't it? You don't like him. It's obvious. And you hate Luo Binghe. Lan Wangji dispels the memory, as best he can. Explaining his disappointment with Shen Yuan to Magnus was difficult enough, and seemed to make little impact regardless. It would be useless to try with Nina. "You're welcome," he says, careful. He could try to justify himself further, but he has no right to her sympathy or understanding.

[ravkanwitch]

Her brows furrow now as she considers the past few weeks, her and Luo Binghe attempting to contact Shen Yuan through her and having no luck. "I think... something is still preventing me from getting in touch with him. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or what -- but I can never seem to find him."

[lightbearinglord]

He frowns in turn, trying to work through whatever could be keeping Shen Yuan from Nina. Surely he would be more willing to go to her than he ever was to Lan Wangji, whose advantage was purely the possession of the spirit attraction flag. Tentatively, he signs A-O-R-N-I-S as he asks, "Are you certain you have not found him and forgotten it?"

[ravkanwitch]

"It's possible," she admits, aware of exactly what he signed with his fingers. "Luo Binghe and I have been thinking the same thing, but I'm not sure if there's any way around it." The manner in which she says the name is casual -- but she knows there will be a reaction, however small.

[lightbearinglord]

The reaction is, of course, a very small one indeed, just a slight shuttering of his already-closed-off expression. "No," he says, still careful with it. "Avoidance of the name is the only protective strategy I know, but it is not foolproof."

[ravkanwitch]

Nina curls up on the couch a little more, tucking her feet underneath her. "Do you and Claudius have a plan?" Her tone is frank and her expression is sharp, the longing of someone who wants to be told 'alright Nina, here's the plan and this is your part in it'. "We have to do something, don't we? Get revenge or ...something."

[lightbearinglord]

"We have to," Lan Wangji agrees, still on the curt side. It isn't because he's angry; it's only because he is no longer certain how to speak with Nina. He believes they were friends, or becoming friends, but they were not close enough for him to understand how to navigate this. "Claudius and I are working on it. He has everything in writing."

[ravkanwitch]

"I'm not close with Claudius," Nina says, in a considering tone. They've danced together once, spoken a few times -- but other than that, she feels as though she knows Galahad much better. "But I trust Claudius. Does that make sense?"

[lightbearinglord]

It is easy enough for Lan Wangji to soften again, almost imperceptibly, thinking of Claudius. "Mn. He is clever and kind. I trust him, too."

[ravkanwitch]

"Hanguang-jun, I..." She starts, with a soft wince. "I know that was a bad argument. But I also know you only have the best of intentions."

[lightbearinglord]

Still slightly uncertain, Lan Wangji does, at last, take a few more steps into the room, closer to Nina. His hands remain clasped at the small of his back. "The same is true of you."

[ravkanwitch]

Khitka hops off of Nina's shoulder and scampers up to Lan Wangji's feet, giving him a tentative sniff to see if he's holding any food. Nina laughs, though it's tinged with sadness. She's thinking of Matthias and all the times she's bickered with the other Crows, threatening to turn Jesper's teeth inside out. "Arguing is one of my friendship languages, I think. It shows that you have strong emotions and... that's good."

[lightbearinglord]

Abruptly grateful for Khitka's presence, Lan Wangji kneels, bringing himself closer to her and closer to Nina's level without joining her on the couch. He is not quite willing to be that near her yet, unsure of his welcome. "I have only vegetables," he tells Khitka, solemnly apologetic, before looking back up, to Nina. After a quiet beat, he says, "I am not as cold as I appear."

[ravkanwitch]

Khitka narrows her eyes at him and gives him a little huff, seeming to understand him -- or maybe she's sussed out the situation and didn't smell anything tasty on him.

Nina also looks at him for a moment. "I know. The way you talk about your husband... the subtle change in your eyes... You can't be cold."

[lightbearinglord]

"No," he says, more quietly. He stays where he is, kneeling with Khitka examining him and finding him wanting, his hands on his thighs. He doesn't think he can explain himself entirely to Nina. It was difficult to do so even to Claudius, even with a truth compulsion drawing the words from him without his consent.

[ravkanwitch]

"Well," in a considering tone, "sometimes it's possible to feel so deeply that it's tough to communicate it. We can't all be impulsive and loud." She gives him a small smile to indicate that she's talking about herself, of course. 

[lightbearinglord]

This is not a smile, but a second softening is apparent somewhere around his eyes. "I often like those who are impulsive and loud."